


transatlanticism

by angstifies (klarrolines)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: And She Regrets It, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Compliant to a Point, Clarke screws up, During Canon, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Regret, Season/Series 03, bellamy’s just ignoring the hell out of her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27966212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klarrolines/pseuds/angstifies
Summary: "They were there, standing next to each other, but they were somehow oceans apart, they were somehow idle shells of who they really were around each other."Takes place in season 3.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	transatlanticism

**Author's Note:**

  * For [morcsxs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/morcsxs/gifts).



Transatlanticism: the incomprehensible emotional gap between two lovers separated by comprehensible distances.

* * *

Clarke screwed up.

She royally fucking screwed up this time.

Despite everything she'd done, she’d always found comfort in the fact Bellamy was always there for her when she needed him, and her to him. They were each other’s strength, each other’s saving grace, two halves of a whole, a head and a heart, wars could be damned because _nothing_ could come between the two co-leaders turned best friends.

But then something did, she screwed up.

Bellamy Blake wouldn’t have been Bellamy Blake if he hadn’t selflessly insisted on pulling the lever _together_ so that she wouldn’t have to deal with it by herself, letting her know he was there and willing to ease her survivor’s guilt despite his own.

But then she let it consume her; the survivor’s guilt, the anguish, the soul-crushing weight of _her_ choices, and as the selfish hypocrite she considers herself to be, she did to him what he’d vowed to never do to her, she let him deal with _all_ of it alone.

Surprisingly that wasn’t even her biggest screw-up.

He forgave her, of course he did, he's _Bellamy Blake_ , hell not only did he forgive her, but he also risked his life to save her.

And how did she repay him? She refused to go back with him, to give him the light of day. 

Despite how much she loves Lexa, and how incredibly grateful she is that she stayed with her up until her last breath, there was a heavyweight of regret pressing at her chest, suffocating her, because of how she treated him. It was clear, even to her, that he’d take a bullet for her, that he’d move mountains just to ensure she was safe— _and look at the thanks he got._

And how could she have been so selfish with him? She’d always done everything she could for those she loved, and she loved Bellamy, she knew that (in what way, however, she couldn’t decipher) so how could she have done so much to him? 

And now, for once, they were together, nothing was trying to separate them from each other but yet they _were_ separated.

They were in the closest proximity they had been in months and he couldn’t even _look_ at her.

She knew he felt her lingering looks, her piercing blue eyes burning holes on him, silently pleading for him to _look_ at her. 

But could she even blame him? God this was probably how he felt when he’d pleaded for her to go back with him, that neither had to be alone, that they could deal _together_ , but she left, she left him to his own devices, failing to see _he_ needed her.

And the worst part is that she wanted to be near him, needed him. 

But how could she force him to be there for her when she’d fail him on that? It wasn’t fair.

 _Nothing is ever fair on the ground_ , a little voice in her head tried to reason with her to try and demand with everything in her to Bellamy to just spare a simple glance her way, for him to give her one of his stupid, beautiful grins, for him to gush about history like he always did, and she just wanted him to acknowledge her no matter how selfish that might make her after all she’s done, but she did, it was plain torture for them to be in _such_ close proximity, yet he was so far away, unfathomable, out of reach.

She thinks it’d be easier if she’d never left Polis, at least there she’d have miles keeping him from her, but now it was just them—Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin, wars couldn’t come between them, but each other could.

* * *

Bellamy could feel her staring from miles away.

Her intense gaze set his skin on fire, feeling himself come alive under her scrutiny. He felt the way she was searching for something, _anything_ , from him, but he wouldn’t give in, he _couldn’t_.

He wanted to hate her.

He wanted to feel the heated hatred running through his veins, engraved in the depth of his bones, but he _couldn’t_. He found it nearly impossible to hate her, he couldn’t even stay mad at her for long, but looking at her would hurt, he knew it would.

The rejection from her was still a bleeding wound, he felt it drip red and sting, it was a fresh wound, fresh pain. 

And he couldn’t look at her, because he’d feel it all again; the betrayal, the rejection, the _loneliness_ left from her leaving.

He wishes she hadn’t left Polis.

Because she’s _so_ close—he could feel his fingertips brush her soft skin with the slightest of grazes—yet they were the farthest they’ve ever been, they were both too stubborn to give in.

He’d never thought he’d need Clarke, the _princess_ , as much as he did but even worse, he never thought he’d lose her quite like this.

Because they were _there_ , standing next to each other, but they were somehow oceans apart, they were somehow idle shells of who they really were around each other.

He wanted this to stop, of course, he did, but how?

They were both too stubborn, they’d pretend everything was alright until the end of times because that’s just who they are, neither would admit their mistakes or hurt aloud—in true Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin style—but he was starting to suspect his pain was more from her being so _far,_ literal distance or not, rather than from what she did.

He’s starting to think his own personal torture is never being able to stay angry at her, what a lovesick fool he is.

* * *

Clarke was tired of it. 

She was tired of having to stay away from him, tired of him ignoring her very existence, she just wanted him back, so much so, that she, Clarke Griffin, for once took it upon herself to not only apologize but to start a conversation about their feelings, she shuddered at the thoughts. 

She found him sitting by himself on a log, completely engrossed in his thoughts, she approached him tentatively, fidgeting with her hands nervously.

She sat next to him on the log, but with more than enough space between the two. She almost let out a snort at the act, sitting close but with more than enough space, the perfect metaphor of their tumultuous relationship as of late.

He didn’t move his gaze to her but from the way he locked his jaw, she could tell he knew she was there and why.

“Look Bellamy, I know you probably don’t want to talk to me but I need you to hear me out okay?” She didn’t wait for a response, she knew she wouldn’t get any.

She took in a deep breath and started, looking at her hands on her lap, “I’m so sorry for failing you Bell, I left you when you needed me most and then left again without sparing a glance at you despite all you’d done to try and save me, thank you for that by the way, but I am sorry, you mean so much more to me than you know and I’m sorry I hurt you”

She bit her lip nervously and looked up at him, to see if she’d elicited any sort of reaction from him, what surprised her was finding him looking at her with something that could only describe as a mix of hurt and love in his eyes. 

They stayed in silence for a while, Clarke waited for him to say something and she could see his internal battle of whether he should.

Finally, he decided he should speak up, breaking up the silence looming around them “I was so angry at you for leaving” He admitted swallowing the lump in his throat, not quite meeting Clarke’s gaze, “I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”

Clarke gave him a soft smile, hesitantly reaching over for a hug. Bellamy smiled at her and took her in his arms. 

At that moment everything felt right.

There was nothing but his strong arms keeping her safe from the horrors of the ground, from the horrors in her mind from what she’d done to survive, there was just him and his scent of earth and everything was right.

Of course, nothing was ever right on the ground—especially since they are Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin—and this was just a start to the endless road of them and what’s to come, but if anybody could make it work despite the whole universe pushing them away from each other, it would be them.


End file.
